Time to Fight

9 May

Today is Mother’s Day and a red hot fire is burning in my heart.

This is not the first time that I have sat, with tears blurring my vision and words swimming in my heart, in front of my computer to try and sort through my mind and to share with all of you the emotions that threaten to swallow me whole. Okay, even for me, that was dramatic. But the sentiment remains. Mother’s Day brings something out of me and I’m just starting to understand what it is and why it is important.

As these feelings have been percolating beneath the surface over the course of the last week, I wasn’t sure where I was suppose to share them. To say that this blog is neglected and in need of an overhaul is an understatement. But the intention of me creating a place like The Cupcake Garden was to share with others about our adoption journey and to be a resource for those hoping to adopt from Africa as they navigate the ever changing waters of international adoption. However, because of the reality of what our journey has become, I have failed at maintaining any sort of conversation regarding our story and international adoption as a whole. Why? Because I have felt like a failure in our adoption and in most other areas of my life for quite a while now.

Now this all sounds very doom and gloom, but the truth is, I am beginning to feel victorious again. So why the need to update you and why again on Mother’s Day? Because maybe there are many of you, who like me, feel like you are failing and that you are watching from the sidelines as life happens around you; your power to live your life the way that you desire to has been taken from you and it is now time to stand up and take that power back.

For those of you who have read my other publications, you will know that mental illness has been a huge part of my life over the last number of years. It is heavy, it is often overwhelming and it is ugly. But my depression and anxiety do not define who I am. I am so many other things besides a victim of mental illness and it has taken me a long time to crawl back out of the dark pit that I lived in. I let my depression get the very best of me and I gave into the thoughts that consumed my everyday life.

For four and a half years now, our adoption has not been successful. To me, success equals my child in my arms. But as I share with you today, I realize that this journey has been leading me towards so much more than just my daughter. This journey is transforming me and my family. Obviously any life change or missions of this scope was bound to shape and mould us into new people. But I had no idea that this is where I would be, four and a half years after answering the very direct call that God had placed in my heart. I have known since before we set our hearts on this country that adoption was only the first step. Why on earth would God call us to love such a difficult and broken and corrupt country? Why do I have to care and hurt so much for a situation so far beyond my skills and capabilities to fix? Because this calling is bigger than me and God’s plan for my second home is all that matters.

Over the last year I have knowingly and willfully allowed my passion for our adoption, the country of our child’s birth and God’s calling in my heart to die. I ran as fast as I could away from it and filled my life with as many distractions and frivolities as I could. Nothing was happening and I was frustrated and angry and depression ruled my life. So why not just give up and walk away? The path of least resistance works for everyone else so why couldn’t I benefit from it too? Except that in running away from my passion and my calling, I was running away from myself.

Yes, I stopped fighting. I stopped praying. I stopped hoping. But all of that darkness and sadness has begun to transform me. I was taken out of the game because my dreams were too big and the enemy knows what will happen when I am done with being sorry for myself and I am in top fighting form. So slowly, over the past few months and then suddenly in the last week, I have emerged from my cocoon of self loathing and despair. In my separation from striving and caring, I began to reorganize my priorities and to rediscover the person that I truly want to be.

First of all, I took a step back and reassessed my health. I had let myself go and a large part of my coping mechanisms for my depression revolved around food and inactivity. This had to change. If you had told me a year ago that I would now revel and thrive in days built around my next workout and my need to eat as clean as possible I would have laughed in your face and probably punched you in the throat… this is an even funnier image to me now as my most favourite workouts of the week are kick boxing and MMA training. I savour the thought of become a harden and skilled fighter. Throwing punches and landing kicks makes my heart soar and I come out of each session wanting to try harder and to learn more.

Secondly, I had to let go of caring what other people thought of me. I needed to start living my life for me again and to think “screw you” to those who want to push me back into a box that suits their preferred comfort level. There are so many parts of my heart and soul and body that I have been ashamed of because they aren’t “normal”. But you know what, they are me. All of me. Yes, I love too hard and it freaks people out. I care too much and get my feelings hurt. I feel all of the things, all of the time and it is overwhelming; but it is me. I dream too big and suddenly the day to day seems like not enough. I lack balance in almost every area of my life. But that is me. I was made this way and it was time to stop being afraid of that. Am I going to embarrass people? Probably. Am I going to say crazy things because my passion goes before my reason? Always. Are people going to walk out of my life because I’m too much to handle or  they disagree with my decisions? Absolutely. But haters gonna hate and I don’t need your approval anymore. I am going to do what makes me happy and if you don’t like it, here’s the door. Bye Felicia! I am going to live my life in a way that is beneficial to me and to the overall wellness of my family.

Now, I am all for self love and embracing who I am, but I also recognize that self improvement and discipline are likewise necessary. I still have a long way to go and I know that God is still not done refining me. But I am so pleased to wake up each day, to look in the mirror and to gradually see what He sees. I am His daughter and He loves every part of me. The beautiful parts, the messy parts, the crazy parts. He put them all there for a reason and delights in my oddities, quirks and my love of T Rexes and their ridiculously small arms. He wants me to love until it hurts and to feel until it is purely ridiculous because that is who He made me to be.

Lastly, in all of my hibernation and pity parties, I have found what is most important to me. My girls are the light of my life and I would do anything to keep them safe and to make them happy. I may have failed at so many things – taking care of my body, growing professionally, becoming financially sound, keeping my house clean, being a good friend, sister, daughter, wife, or advocating for my adoption and the country I love and all the other things that I should be focusing on – but in this season, I felt as though I was thriving as a Mom. Regardless of the darkness that I faced, my girls and my love for them pierced through and brought me back to the land of living each day. I want to be my best for them and to show them by example what bravery and hard work can do in their lives. I honestly don’t think that they have any clue that I have struggled through the last few years. They have seen me cry and they knew that Mommy’s naps were important, but I have always been there for them and I hope that is all they remember.

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So as I approached this Mother’s Day, God was carefully cultivating a big picture lesson for me. All of these realizations have been building and taking root inside of me, making me stronger and wiser. But it wasn’t until my best friend forced me into a morning of sheer misery with him that the door in my heart, the part that was sheltering my passion and my drive, was kicked wide open.

Normally those close to me know better than to poke the feelings-bear that lives inside of me. If Erin feels the feels, some days life is just over. But as of late, I have told those feelings to shut the eff up and to sit in the to corner to think about what they’ve done. I have been stronger and more balanced and less emotional. But honestly, why test the waters? Because it was necessary and it was time. Whether or not he really knew what he was doing, it was time to see if Erin could cope with looking her dreams and calling in the eye again.

At his insistence, I listened to two hours of Joe Rogan interviewing Justin Wren about his life’s passion: The Mbuti Pygymies of the Congo. Is this my passion and calling? Nope. But could I connect and understand? 100%. Justin is an Mixed Martial Arts fighter who lived with depression and suicidal thoughts because of bullying as a young boy until he discovered wrestling and eventually success in MMA. Through a battle with drugs and the possibility of losing his career in MMA, Justin, through God’s divine leading, was called to love on the pygmy people in the Congo. His story and his sheer and pure love for these people is what broke the dam in my heart. This is how I was called to live. This is how I am suppose to move forward. We have been called to love the unloved and to fight for the forgotten. My heart does not live in the Congo but it does love a people who are oppressed and neglected and forgotten by the rest of the world. My heart longs to uplift the orphans of HIV/AIDS. I am called to be their voice and to champion their cause. I am called to fight. I was long ago given the title of becoming a Warrior. I think I am ready to take up that mantel and to fight.

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As I tried to rush towards a deadline for work through my hot and righteous tears this last week, all I could think of to express my feelings was this picture from our trip to Africa.

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This will stand out as the single greatest and most clarifying experience I had while meeting the orphans I will give my life for in Zimbabwe. People constantly asked me if Africa was everything I thought it would be or if anything took me by surprise. Knowing the reality of the state of the country as we went in was a huge benefit to us. Nothing was that shocking. I was very aware of what the lives of the orphans looked like before we had a chance to spend time with them. As I have shared before, being there was like coming home. I felt so at peace and whole while there. There were only two things that shook me during our entire stay.

  1. Disney lied to us. Hyenas are enormous and truly terrifying. I have never felt an animal look into my soul the way those hyenas did.
  2. The moment this picture was taken clarified my calling for me and showed me God’s heart for these orphans. We were asked to come and “teach” in a bridging school run by one of the local churches. Even with my degree (I had planned to be a kindergarten teacher at one point…) and J-Sauce’s love for math, we felt like we had so little to offer these eager little hearts and minds. But we were not going to run away from a challenge. So we spent the morning working on reading and writing English and teaching them new ways to count and multiply. After lunch, the teacher asked us if we would teach them some Canadian games. I wracked my brain and came up with “What Time Is It Mr. Wolf?”. Explaining what a wolf was and why this was a Canadian game took some time, but we won them over and were soon laughing and running and chasing one another. To repay us for our efforts, they children wanted to share one of their favourite games. We sat together with them in the field in a big circle. The teacher began to sing a song about the months of the year. When the month you were born in was sung, you would get up and dance. The teacher in me was thrilled to get the kids involved and to have everyone dancing; participation was always a huge component of my piano classes. So as the song went on, the teacher in me was perturbed that not all the kids were participating. By the time November rolled around an it was my turn, I gave it my all and danced with delight. And yet, so many little people sat staring at me with complacency and wouldn’t dance. It wasn’t until the teacher began to sing of a month that I had never heard of after December that the reality sank in – they were not participating because they didn’t want to. They were not dancing because most of them didn’t know when they were born. They were orphans of HIV/AIDS or other diseases, abandonment and the harsh reality of the struggle to raise a child in that country. This bold and ugly truth hit my heart like a freight train and the tears began to fall. I thought I knew what it meant to be an orphan, but it had never occurred to me that they didn’t know when they were born. As the teacher sang about this month that is made up to include all of the orphans who don’t know when their birthday is, I stood with them all and sang and danced with so much pain and wonder and love in my heart. J-Sauce snapped this picture as we danced without knowing what had just happened in my heart. Moments later, our ride arrived and it was time to say goodbye to my new friends. They ran and swarmed me with hugs and kisses and I was able to hide my tears in this goodbye. But what had just taken place would change my heart forever and I have never been the same. The call to fight was issued and it was now up to me to decide what to do.

Is it any wonder that MMA fills my heart with passion? Why did I need to be so weak for so long? Why did I sit on the sidelines and let my dreams go by? Because I needed to be built back up. I needed to become stronger. I needed to be mothered.

As I scrolled through my Instagram and Facebook feeds this morning, I tried to wrap my head around how to best honour the mothers in my life. I (yes, me, 2000 words deep…) was at a loss for words to best express how much the world needs mothers.

I will forever be grateful for my Mom and her unwavering love. I am who I am because of a Grandmother who faithfully and wondrously prayed for every member of her family each morning. I am uplifted constantly by loving aunts and cousins and sisters and Mama friends. In my darkness and my despair, I was weak. But in a moments notice, a few words would bring strength from a friend and my heart would be soothed by God’s mothering spirit through these people. I needed to know what it really meant to become the mother I am suppose to be. There are so many women (AND men!!) in my life who have been pure examples of a mothering heart. I do not care if you are an earthly mother, a heavenly mother, a pet mother or simply a good friend with compassion and understanding in your heart – you, yes you reading this –  you have been a mother to me and I am so grateful for you. You all are the true light in my life. My darkness cannot stand because of you, your light and your presence in my life.

It is now time for me to stand back up and to fight. I am a warrior. Me and freaking MMA are going to get this shit done. My passion doesn’t need to be your passion. I just need you to be in my corner as I, fueled by my crazy feelings, run yelling and screaming at the injustice of the unmothered and the unloved. I will fight because it is who I was made to be. You don’t have to fight with me, just please cheer me on.

Your dreams and callings are just as important and I want to cheer you on. Please tell me the big and scary Goliaths that live in your heart and I will mother you until you are ready to stand and face them. If you have no idea what a mother’s love looks or feels like, please shoot me a message. I will do my best to love on you as a mother or to find you your tribe so they can do the same.

And if you have held on this long through my ramblings… bless your heart. Here is an adoption update. Things are happening. Things are moving. “Roadblocks” have been forcefully removed by government officials. Our child will be with us. We just have no timeline. My heart has so much more peace because of the journey we have endured over the last four and a half years. All of this truly rests in God’s timing and I am willing to wait on Him. Until then, I will train and then I will fight.

Please begin to check back in with us and to ask questions. I would love nothing more than to share my passion with you. And please, please, PLEASE check out Fight for the Forgotten and Justin’s story. I have now added meeting and working with him to my bucket-list… because of course I have.

And to you my Tiny Potato, this is all your fault. You blew on the embers in my heart and now it has returned to an all consuming fire. So now, you either must help me to contain it or you must blow on it until it spreads. There’s no escaping it.

Thanks for allowing me to share and I wish you all a very loving and blessed Mother’s Day.

 

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Let’s Talk

28 Jan

A few weeks ago I was scrolling through my Facebook feed (as one does), and I came across a cartoon that my cousin had posted and I laughed so hard that I spit my sparkling water all over my computer. Not because the subject matter was funny, but because I could 100% relate.

mental illness

For most of my adult life, I have struggled with mental illness. I have experienced both situational and clinical depression, I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress from two separate car accidents and most recently I suffer with fairly intense anxiety. But for most people who know me, it would take you a while to notice the effects of my mental illness on the outside of my personality.

I am incredibly outgoing and I love a good party. I can put on a brave face and then head home to suffer the consequences of social interactions later in the evening. I love to meet new people and would make everyone my best friend if I could. But I also seriously love my bed, a good bowl of pho and a bottle of wine…. to cry my heart out over. Sometimes, for no reason at all. I honestly try not to dwell on my sadness; I love a full belly laugh. But some days that is not always possible.

mental illness

I am not ashamed of my mental illness in the least. I am genetically predisposed on both sides of my family and have seen, through friends, family and the media, the devastating effects that untreated mental illness can have on people and those around them. The first few years of my struggle were terrifying and I had no answers. But the people around me started to point out that something was not right with me and with the support of my parents, I sought help. I am forever grateful for the support system that I have because of the honesty that I have decided to have about my condition and I am so thankful that I got help.

In my day to day life right now, my mental illness has been deeply impacted by the stress of our adoption. Things look promising, but the road has been long and difficult. Adoption is not for the faint of heart. I have learned so much about myself throughout this journey and have only recently begun to share my emotional struggles with others. I am currently medicated for depression and anxiety and it has made all the difference in the world. But I get that it is not easy for everyone to understand what it is like to experience such feelings and that is why I share my story.

My Mom recently sat with me, during the height of my depression (before my medication had leveled me out) and asked me what it felt like. I’m so glad that she did because it enabled me to try and put everything into words so that it could live outside of my body. It feels like a heaviness. A heavy sadness, that even in moments of pure joy and happiness (which still exist!!) never really lifts. But that is just my experience; I know that everyone else’s is personal and unique.

So why, beyond needing to get all of this out of my heart, am I sharing this? Because the stigma of mental illness still persist and many, many people from all walks of life are suffering with it. AND tomorrow is Bell’s Let’s Talk Day. I am so inspired by this campaign and the work it is doing to shed a bright and positive light on the help that there is for people like myself who live with mental illness.

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Because of the help I have received and the support that I have on a daily basis (those of you who politely cope with the barrage of my feelings, both good and bad, bless you. You are truly angels) I am surviving and thriving even though mental illness is a part of who I am. I have hope that there is a future for me that does not revolve around my mental illness. I am a fully functioning wife and mother. I provide to our household income with three part time jobs (I’m also a little type A, that’s a nifty mix with mental illness!) and I love what I do on a daily basis. I love to exercise and find that it does alleviate some of my symptoms.

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If you too struggle with mental illness, in any of its many, many forms, please, please, PLEASE know that you are not alone. I know that some days it feels impossible, but there is help that you can benefit from. My heart breaks to know that not everyone has the same support system that I do, and I would love for you to find a community that will stand behind you and cheer you on towards mental wellness.

Please reach out for help and maybe, if you are brave enough, share your story during this Let’s Talk Day. Let’s help to end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Ten Years

10 Jan

Ten years ago I stood at a the edge of a canyon and jumped. I had no idea as to what lay ahead. I was young and naive and slightly damaged. But it seemed like the right risk to take.

I stand here, part of the way through the experience of that jump, and can say that it was worth it.

I never would have imagined that this is what the last ten years would have brought us. The joy. The love. The laughter…. so much laughter. The tears, happy and sad. The conflict, the struggles, the growth. But I am so happy with where it is guiding us.

I fell in love with your kindness. Your quirky sense of humor that very few appreciate; their loss as it is so precious to me…. and keeps me from slamming the door on more days than I can count. I fell in love with your unwavering sense of yourself. The man that you are and who you want to be.

I continue to love you because of your devotion to me, even when it’s not easy. Because you listen to my dreams and then bring me back to earth when I’ve floated too far away. I love you because of your warm heart and how everyone is just a friend waiting to be made. I love you because you try to remind me to keep things simple because that is what true living is made of.

I give you my heart everyday because you are the greatest father our girls could ever have. I am humbled by your consideration for them and desire to be a better parent because of you.

I fall in love you a little more each time we get to experience the world outside ourselves together. I know that there is so much more that we have yet to discover and I am excited for what that new love will bring us.

I love you because you are my best friend and you see me clearer than anyone else ever will.

Thank you for all that you do for me. Not a single thing you have done out of love has ever gone unnoticed, even when you think it is an act too small to be important. I would be lost without you.

To the next 10, 25, 50 years. May our love grow more than we could ever dream or hope it to.

Cielo

10 Nov

Alright, so reading back over some of my post from the past year I am a little embarrassed by what I have shared. I know I shouldn’t be because all of those feelings and struggles were/are real and I did, in those moments, need to share what was on my heart and mind.

But holy crap that’s a lot of whining and shitty feelings. That is just not me.

Yes, I feel things very deeply and am often overwhelmed by the negative thoughts in my head. But I have hope and joy and peace and my life is so magical and full. That is who I am. And I am so, so blessed with people in my life who remind me of that when I fall a little too hard.

If I have cornered you in a conversation for longer than five minutes, I hopefully have shared with you my love for my church family. They are the coolest people on the face of the earth and I would be lost without them. I am exceedingly grateful that God has led me to them and allows me to do life with them.

My Ladies

I gave up on religion a long time ago. I have absolutely no time in my life for legalism and judgment and appearances. The faith that I have found and share with the world is based on one thing and one thing only.

God Is

Love and relationships built out of love are all I desire and all that I hope to give away.

I do not want to argue doctrine or draw lines between denominations based on who is right and who is wrong. I just want to understand where you are coming from and meet you there. I want to love you for who you are and not who I think you should be. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for in this life? Love and acceptance.

And I’m not perfect. I fail ALL THE TIME. I judge without realizing it. I make assumptions based on my understanding of things instead of finding out someone else’s perspectives. I get righteously angry and my passion goes before my reason. But if I can find my way back to God and His love for me, confess anything that is not based out of love in my heart and make an effort to do better the next day, isn’t that the best that any of us can do?

Thankfully I have been welcomed into a group of people who feel the same way. We are a small and rag-tag bunch who will simply love the crap out of you. We are casual to a fault and base our weekly meetings on coffee, bagels and worship. We all share what God has been doing in our lives. We celebrate. We comfort. We mourn. We do life. We realize that God has an individual plan for each of us and we support each other as we pursue these callings. Everything else tends to fall to the side and I like it that way.

So with this in mind, these people rescued me from myself this week.

Without a doubt, this week was the hardest I have endured to date with our adoption. Expectations and timelines have been shattered and I was utterly broken. I cried more than I have ever cried over this process. I spent an entire day in bed. But it was all worth it.

Even in my despair and my brokenness, I knew that there was hope and that God was at work. He had so much for me on the other side of that meltdown. I was able to let go of everything that I had been holding on to with regards to how I thought our adoption should play out and I am truly and honestly ready to just wait on Him and His plan. I still had to drag my butt out of bed this morning and force myself to church (because I love sleep and my bed….) but I’m so glad that I did.

I was able to sit in the stillness of God’s presence and turn my focus and attention to Him. As I did so, everything else melted away. In light of who He is and how much He loves me, everything else is not so heavy in my heart.

In all of my frustration and resentment, it is not God that I am angry with. It is the world. It is this.

Orphans

Pure, unstained religion, according to God our Father, is to take care of orphans and widows when they suffer and to remain uncorrupted by this world” James 1:27

I am not okay with being corrupted by a world of apathy and complacency. I was reminded by one of my dearest friends today that the Lord has placed within me a righteous and burning anger towards injustice in this world. Yes, it is heavy and exhausting, but I am honoured that God thinks I am strong enough to take on such a fight.

I know that I cannot fight the battle for an entire population of orphans, but I can champion the cause of one nation. And I can be the Mama to one tiny soul. That one soul means more to me than I can put into words.

God is good and His heart hurts more than mine ever could for those without a family and He is angered by injustice too. But all I can do is focus on His love for me and my family and the one orphan who we can help.

And thanks to CityLight Church, today I am able to stand a little taller and love a little deeper because of their love and belief in me.

I have many, many friends outside of this church who also cheer me on and I would likewise be lost without you. Thank you for enduring my whining and complaining throughout this journey. I promise to return the favour when your heart and desires become too heavy.

Feelings are Stupid

28 Oct

Last night I poured myself a glass of Riesling and then burst into tears.

It was the culmination of far too many thoughts and feelings. I am a little bit lost at the moment and I probably have been for awhile now.

Before I dive into what has been swirling around in my head lately, I should pause to say that I know I have a beautiful and wonderful and truly blessed life. I try my best in each day to be thankful and to never take a moment of my crazy schedule for granted. But sometimes the feelings are just a little too overwhelming.

Even before we received word that we had been granted approval for our adoption to move forward, my head had been full of stress and anxiety. And while we are thrilled that things are moving ahead, there has been no new news. I always try to be reasonable when setting my goals and expectation in terms of when things will be finalized and we can jump on a plane. By Christmas seemed absolutely possible….. but I’m going to have to let go of that dream. Of course my heart is heavy, but that leaves me with more to look forward to in the new year.

So again, we wait.

And life doesn’t pause or stop or slow down just because of what’s going on with our adoption. On the contrary, it zooms and flies around us with terrifying speed. I have made myself so busy that I have almost no down time. This way I don’t have endless hours to ponder the “what ifs” and the “maybe tomorrows” and there is no time to research baby bottles and carriers and cribs. This also leaves me with little time for the things that really matter; quality time with my girls, with my husband, time to be intentional about my own well being.

Minivans are cool!

I spend many hours each day with the girls, but they are filled with school, activities and appointments. And when they’re not scheduled to the brim, I am working. I have become obsessive about my jobs. I love each of them dearly and give my very best to every task. I want to help with our monthly income and some days I truly succeed. But mostly I continue to add to my own stress by feeling the need to do everything perfectly and all at once.

Working It

Wine and jewels, wine and jewels

Piles of clean laundry overflow beside my desk and the clean dishes never really get put away. I love having a clean space to think in, to create in and to simply be in, but I can’t seem to find the energy or the desire to change my surroundings. This causes even more stress and anxiety.

And to add to all of these feelings, I have gained 15lbs since June. Sure stress will contribute to that, but so will the glass or two of wine each night. I feel like I’m failing myself and none of my clothes fit. I make time to workout and I count my calories, but everything just feels forced and empty. My outlook on the world is constantly coloured by how I feel about my body.

I do not share these things to make anyone else feel bad or to find an answer or to have anyone else shout “me too!”. I know that I am not alone. I know that I am not the only person, mother, woman to have ever felt these feelings in the history of the world. Others have gone before me and endured these same things. But that thought leaves me with little comfort.

I have the best friends in the entire world and my family is exceedingly patient with all of my dizzying craziness. They listen to me over and over again. And I read blog upon blog about stress, anxiety, depression, adoption stress, body image solutions, healthy eating habits and so on and on and etc…. but none of this will be going away anytime soon.

We're cute.

At this very moment, my life is not what I desire it to be. It is full and amazing and I have so much to be grateful for. I will wake up again tomorrow and will throw myself into my day with reckless abandon, checking things of my ever-growing list. But something is missing. Some one is missing.

Will having this child in my arms fix every negative feeling that I have? I am not naive enough to believe this. Of course it will not. But it will end this feeling of limbo that I exist in. Maybe I will be able to plan for things again with great certainty. Maybe I will allow myself a day off to truly savour and enjoy. Maybe I will sit still long enough to re-evaluate my goals and dreams and priorities. Maybe I will feel a little bit of peace. Then again, maybe not. Emotions and expectations are tricky little bastards.

I know that I am the master of my own mind and feelings, and maybe this is why I feel the need to share all of my yuckiness. If I type these words into my computer and send them out into the abyss for everyone to read and criticize and analyse, or ignore, then the thoughts will now live outside of my body and they will no longer consume me.

Having said all of this, please do not read TOO much into my melancholy. I believe in hope and magic and the promises of rainbows. I know that joy comes in the morning and I do experience love and laughter on a daily basis. But sometimes the waiting is just too much and I break.

Be Kind

I won’t pour myself a glass of wine tonight, but I might just sob while destroying a few calories on the elliptical. And I know that that is okay. Maybe.