Bad Days

2 Jun

As I cracked my eyes open and tried to focus them upon the source of the obnoxious noise interrupting my sleep (my early rising two year old) I knew that today was going to be tough. Most days I’m able to persuade myself to emerge from my warm sheets, ready and eager to tackle my day (or the screeching two year old), but today was not meant to be one of those days.

I live with chronic pain and have battle several intense bouts of depression. As a result I often find that my mind is filled with darkness and I wander through my days in a fog. But this is no way to live your life and I continue to make a directed effort to embrace the positive around me. Within the darkness there is still much light that God has given me to share. So I give myself tasks as I stumble to the shower: fold the laundry, answer some e-mails, make another pot of coffee. Somehow, if I am able to cross a few things off my list I suddenly find myself in a better mood and am more motivated to continue getting things done throughout the day. Regardless of pain or emotional distress, life goes on and I don’t want to miss out on it.

But every once in a while, I recognize that I may have done too much in my previous few days of trying to be awesome. Today is one of those days. While I desire to create and clean and play with my babies, the pain has set in too deep and I am forced to acknowledge its presence.

Even though I know that I may not be as productive as I wish I could be, as I pour myself a cup of coffee, allowing the aroma to chase away the fuzzy throbbing in my head and the warmth through the ceramic mug to melt my grouchy demeanor, I am reminded to take a step back and remember what is most important. Dishes may be piled high in the sink and the music from the obnoxious morning cartoons may be too loud but through it all I hear my three month old cooing, attempting to find her voice and exclaim, “Hello world! Notice me!” Its the small things within my day that matter most.

With my plate of toast and fruit in hand I turn and witness my cat pressing her nose against that of my rabbit’s through the bars of his cage and it makes me giggle. Today might be hard to cope with but I know that there will be moments of pure joy to capture and treasure.

So I concede to my pain. I’ll simply spend the morning in my pj’s. I’ll wrap an extra soft blanket around my precious infant and cuddle her and the babbling two year a little bit closer. I’ll sit and wait for the still small voice of the Lord to send me an extra does of comfort and know that tomorrow may be a little bit easier to deal with.

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One Response to “Bad Days”

  1. Alanna June 2, 2011 at 2:18 am #

    love you Erin. hugs and prayers are sent your way this morning. xo

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