Feelings are Stupid

28 Oct

Last night I poured myself a glass of Riesling and then burst into tears.

It was the culmination of far too many thoughts and feelings. I am a little bit lost at the moment and I probably have been for awhile now.

Before I dive into what has been swirling around in my head lately, I should pause to say that I know I have a beautiful and wonderful and truly blessed life. I try my best in each day to be thankful and to never take a moment of my crazy schedule for granted. But sometimes the feelings are just a little too overwhelming.

Even before we received word that we had been granted approval for our adoption to move forward, my head had been full of stress and anxiety. And while we are thrilled that things are moving ahead, there has been no new news. I always try to be reasonable when setting my goals and expectation in terms of when things will be finalized and we can jump on a plane. By Christmas seemed absolutely possible….. but I’m going to have to let go of that dream. Of course my heart is heavy, but that leaves me with more to look forward to in the new year.

So again, we wait.

And life doesn’t pause or stop or slow down just because of what’s going on with our adoption. On the contrary, it zooms and flies around us with terrifying speed. I have made myself so busy that I have almost no down time. This way I don’t have endless hours to ponder the “what ifs” and the “maybe tomorrows” and there is no time to research baby bottles and carriers and cribs. This also leaves me with little time for the things that really matter; quality time with my girls, with my husband, time to be intentional about my own well being.

Minivans are cool!

I spend many hours each day with the girls, but they are filled with school, activities and appointments. And when they’re not scheduled to the brim, I am working. I have become obsessive about my jobs. I love each of them dearly and give my very best to every task. I want to help with our monthly income and some days I truly succeed. But mostly I continue to add to my own stress by feeling the need to do everything perfectly and all at once.

Working It

Wine and jewels, wine and jewels

Piles of clean laundry overflow beside my desk and the clean dishes never really get put away. I love having a clean space to think in, to create in and to simply be in, but I can’t seem to find the energy or the desire to change my surroundings. This causes even more stress and anxiety.

And to add to all of these feelings, I have gained 15lbs since June. Sure stress will contribute to that, but so will the glass or two of wine each night. I feel like I’m failing myself and none of my clothes fit. I make time to workout and I count my calories, but everything just feels forced and empty. My outlook on the world is constantly coloured by how I feel about my body.

I do not share these things to make anyone else feel bad or to find an answer or to have anyone else shout “me too!”. I know that I am not alone. I know that I am not the only person, mother, woman to have ever felt these feelings in the history of the world. Others have gone before me and endured these same things. But that thought leaves me with little comfort.

I have the best friends in the entire world and my family is exceedingly patient with all of my dizzying craziness. They listen to me over and over again. And I read blog upon blog about stress, anxiety, depression, adoption stress, body image solutions, healthy eating habits and so on and on and etc…. but none of this will be going away anytime soon.

We're cute.

At this very moment, my life is not what I desire it to be. It is full and amazing and I have so much to be grateful for. I will wake up again tomorrow and will throw myself into my day with reckless abandon, checking things of my ever-growing list. But something is missing. Some one is missing.

Will having this child in my arms fix every negative feeling that I have? I am not naive enough to believe this. Of course it will not. But it will end this feeling of limbo that I exist in. Maybe I will be able to plan for things again with great certainty. Maybe I will allow myself a day off to truly savour and enjoy. Maybe I will sit still long enough to re-evaluate my goals and dreams and priorities. Maybe I will feel a little bit of peace. Then again, maybe not. Emotions and expectations are tricky little bastards.

I know that I am the master of my own mind and feelings, and maybe this is why I feel the need to share all of my yuckiness. If I type these words into my computer and send them out into the abyss for everyone to read and criticize and analyse, or ignore, then the thoughts will now live outside of my body and they will no longer consume me.

Having said all of this, please do not read TOO much into my melancholy. I believe in hope and magic and the promises of rainbows. I know that joy comes in the morning and I do experience love and laughter on a daily basis. But sometimes the waiting is just too much and I break.

Be Kind

I won’t pour myself a glass of wine tonight, but I might just sob while destroying a few calories on the elliptical. And I know that that is okay. Maybe.

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