Tag Archives: Depression

Cielo

10 Nov

Alright, so reading back over some of my post from the past year I am a little embarrassed by what I have shared. I know I shouldn’t be because all of those feelings and struggles were/are real and I did, in those moments, need to share what was on my heart and mind.

But holy crap that’s a lot of whining and shitty feelings. That is just not me.

Yes, I feel things very deeply and am often overwhelmed by the negative thoughts in my head. But I have hope and joy and peace and my life is so magical and full. That is who I am. And I am so, so blessed with people in my life who remind me of that when I fall a little too hard.

If I have cornered you in a conversation for longer than five minutes, I hopefully have shared with you my love for my church family. They are the coolest people on the face of the earth and I would be lost without them. I am exceedingly grateful that God has led me to them and allows me to do life with them.

My Ladies

I gave up on religion a long time ago. I have absolutely no time in my life for legalism and judgment and appearances. The faith that I have found and share with the world is based on one thing and one thing only.

God Is

Love and relationships built out of love are all I desire and all that I hope to give away.

I do not want to argue doctrine or draw lines between denominations based on who is right and who is wrong. I just want to understand where you are coming from and meet you there. I want to love you for who you are and not who I think you should be. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for in this life? Love and acceptance.

And I’m not perfect. I fail ALL THE TIME. I judge without realizing it. I make assumptions based on my understanding of things instead of finding out someone else’s perspectives. I get righteously angry and my passion goes before my reason. But if I can find my way back to God and His love for me, confess anything that is not based out of love in my heart and make an effort to do better the next day, isn’t that the best that any of us can do?

Thankfully I have been welcomed into a group of people who feel the same way. We are a small and rag-tag bunch who will simply love the crap out of you. We are casual to a fault and base our weekly meetings on coffee, bagels and worship. We all share what God has been doing in our lives. We celebrate. We comfort. We mourn. We do life. We realize that God has an individual plan for each of us and we support each other as we pursue these callings. Everything else tends to fall to the side and I like it that way.

So with this in mind, these people rescued me from myself this week.

Without a doubt, this week was the hardest I have endured to date with our adoption. Expectations and timelines have been shattered and I was utterly broken. I cried more than I have ever cried over this process. I spent an entire day in bed. But it was all worth it.

Even in my despair and my brokenness, I knew that there was hope and that God was at work. He had so much for me on the other side of that meltdown. I was able to let go of everything that I had been holding on to with regards to how I thought our adoption should play out and I am truly and honestly ready to just wait on Him and His plan. I still had to drag my butt out of bed this morning and force myself to church (because I love sleep and my bed….) but I’m so glad that I did.

I was able to sit in the stillness of God’s presence and turn my focus and attention to Him. As I did so, everything else melted away. In light of who He is and how much He loves me, everything else is not so heavy in my heart.

In all of my frustration and resentment, it is not God that I am angry with. It is the world. It is this.

Orphans

Pure, unstained religion, according to God our Father, is to take care of orphans and widows when they suffer and to remain uncorrupted by this world” James 1:27

I am not okay with being corrupted by a world of apathy and complacency. I was reminded by one of my dearest friends today that the Lord has placed within me a righteous and burning anger towards injustice in this world. Yes, it is heavy and exhausting, but I am honoured that God thinks I am strong enough to take on such a fight.

I know that I cannot fight the battle for an entire population of orphans, but I can champion the cause of one nation. And I can be the Mama to one tiny soul. That one soul means more to me than I can put into words.

God is good and His heart hurts more than mine ever could for those without a family and He is angered by injustice too. But all I can do is focus on His love for me and my family and the one orphan who we can help.

And thanks to CityLight Church, today I am able to stand a little taller and love a little deeper because of their love and belief in me.

I have many, many friends outside of this church who also cheer me on and I would likewise be lost without you. Thank you for enduring my whining and complaining throughout this journey. I promise to return the favour when your heart and desires become too heavy.

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Feelings are Stupid

28 Oct

Last night I poured myself a glass of Riesling and then burst into tears.

It was the culmination of far too many thoughts and feelings. I am a little bit lost at the moment and I probably have been for awhile now.

Before I dive into what has been swirling around in my head lately, I should pause to say that I know I have a beautiful and wonderful and truly blessed life. I try my best in each day to be thankful and to never take a moment of my crazy schedule for granted. But sometimes the feelings are just a little too overwhelming.

Even before we received word that we had been granted approval for our adoption to move forward, my head had been full of stress and anxiety. And while we are thrilled that things are moving ahead, there has been no new news. I always try to be reasonable when setting my goals and expectation in terms of when things will be finalized and we can jump on a plane. By Christmas seemed absolutely possible….. but I’m going to have to let go of that dream. Of course my heart is heavy, but that leaves me with more to look forward to in the new year.

So again, we wait.

And life doesn’t pause or stop or slow down just because of what’s going on with our adoption. On the contrary, it zooms and flies around us with terrifying speed. I have made myself so busy that I have almost no down time. This way I don’t have endless hours to ponder the “what ifs” and the “maybe tomorrows” and there is no time to research baby bottles and carriers and cribs. This also leaves me with little time for the things that really matter; quality time with my girls, with my husband, time to be intentional about my own well being.

Minivans are cool!

I spend many hours each day with the girls, but they are filled with school, activities and appointments. And when they’re not scheduled to the brim, I am working. I have become obsessive about my jobs. I love each of them dearly and give my very best to every task. I want to help with our monthly income and some days I truly succeed. But mostly I continue to add to my own stress by feeling the need to do everything perfectly and all at once.

Working It

Wine and jewels, wine and jewels

Piles of clean laundry overflow beside my desk and the clean dishes never really get put away. I love having a clean space to think in, to create in and to simply be in, but I can’t seem to find the energy or the desire to change my surroundings. This causes even more stress and anxiety.

And to add to all of these feelings, I have gained 15lbs since June. Sure stress will contribute to that, but so will the glass or two of wine each night. I feel like I’m failing myself and none of my clothes fit. I make time to workout and I count my calories, but everything just feels forced and empty. My outlook on the world is constantly coloured by how I feel about my body.

I do not share these things to make anyone else feel bad or to find an answer or to have anyone else shout “me too!”. I know that I am not alone. I know that I am not the only person, mother, woman to have ever felt these feelings in the history of the world. Others have gone before me and endured these same things. But that thought leaves me with little comfort.

I have the best friends in the entire world and my family is exceedingly patient with all of my dizzying craziness. They listen to me over and over again. And I read blog upon blog about stress, anxiety, depression, adoption stress, body image solutions, healthy eating habits and so on and on and etc…. but none of this will be going away anytime soon.

We're cute.

At this very moment, my life is not what I desire it to be. It is full and amazing and I have so much to be grateful for. I will wake up again tomorrow and will throw myself into my day with reckless abandon, checking things of my ever-growing list. But something is missing. Some one is missing.

Will having this child in my arms fix every negative feeling that I have? I am not naive enough to believe this. Of course it will not. But it will end this feeling of limbo that I exist in. Maybe I will be able to plan for things again with great certainty. Maybe I will allow myself a day off to truly savour and enjoy. Maybe I will sit still long enough to re-evaluate my goals and dreams and priorities. Maybe I will feel a little bit of peace. Then again, maybe not. Emotions and expectations are tricky little bastards.

I know that I am the master of my own mind and feelings, and maybe this is why I feel the need to share all of my yuckiness. If I type these words into my computer and send them out into the abyss for everyone to read and criticize and analyse, or ignore, then the thoughts will now live outside of my body and they will no longer consume me.

Having said all of this, please do not read TOO much into my melancholy. I believe in hope and magic and the promises of rainbows. I know that joy comes in the morning and I do experience love and laughter on a daily basis. But sometimes the waiting is just too much and I break.

Be Kind

I won’t pour myself a glass of wine tonight, but I might just sob while destroying a few calories on the elliptical. And I know that that is okay. Maybe.