Tag Archives: My Heart

When Mother’s Day is Difficult

11 May

Coffee, breakfast in bed, cards, flowers, brunch with Grandmothers, extra cuddles and “I Love You’s”. Everything that a day designed to celebrate being a Mother or having a Mother should be. But why does it hurt so much this year?

I have a few theories.

Over the last few years, we have had many families close to us experience the unimaginable loss of a child. Whether through an accident or illness, we seem to be unable to go very long without hearing of another Mother having to say goodbye to her beautiful child. I do not and will not ever understand how someone is able to withstand such a heartbreaking situation.

Thankfully, many of the women (and men) that I have watched walk through this devastation have done so with a tremendous amount of love, inspiration and hope. This is not to say that the emotions they feel are not overwhelming, heavy and very real; however they have graciously shared their journey and daily realities with those around them and they have leaned on the ever present shoulder of a loving God. I am continually amazed by the strength with which these parents draw from to face a world that is forever missing an important piece. I do not share these things to be heavy and depressing, but rather to honour these wonderful people in my life who have shown me what true love and pure hope looks like. My life is forever changed as a daughter and as a Mother because of these people and their journeys. I love a little harder, laugh a little longer and cry a little more openly just for them. Mother’s Day is different for me now in the light of their stories.

Likewise, it was a year ago that I stood in front of our church congregation and joyfully exclaimed that J-Sauce and I would be travelling to Africa for the first time. Because of the newly developing protocol in the country we are involved with, it was necessary for us to make that trip with the hope of being able to see things move along with our adoption. And while it was a gift in our adoption story and we were both forever changed by it…… It was a year ago. Another year has come and gone. We still have no news on our child. How is this possible?

Mama and Babe

I could take the time to speak of hope and trust and belief in The Lord’s timing (which I still firmly hold on to) but my heart just isn’t in it today. It physically hurts my heart to hope at this time.

But that’s okay because I know that this journey is not finished yet and there is work yet to be done in my own life before this child will join us and will call me Mommy.

As I ponder that day, sometimes hourly or even minute by minute, I am reminded of another very important reality involved in this story. And I feel horrifically selfish.

I am not the only Mother in this story. There is another. She will carry this child within her womb. She will hope and dream and worry about the hows and the whys and the whos for her child as it grows and moves within her belly. She might pray and beg The Lord for guidance. She is likely alone, scared, angry or disgusted by her situation. She maybe my age or she may only be child herself. Whatever the details of her life may be, there is one thing for certain: she will make a very difficult decision and her precious baby will one day become mine.

We will probably never know this Mother, but even now I am eternally tied to her. I may never be able to thank her for the beautiful gift that I will be given, but I will love her all the same.

Today is Mother’s Day and I am unable to put into actual English words the love that I have for my precious, sparkling and unique girls. This is a daily existence for me. I am forever thankful that I have been chosen to be their Mother for as long as God will allow me. But my heart and soul is torn. It is torn for Mother’s who will not be able to hold their children today. It is torn for the women who make the selfless decision to allow someone else to raise their treasures. It is torn for the women who long to become Mother’s and yet continue to be unable to do so. I have no answers for these feelings and that is alright. I think they are important feelings to have and to explore, however uncomfortable they are.

All I can do today, as my heart has moments of sadness, is to hang onto the promises of God and to trust in His good and perfect will. If I did not have that hope, I don’t know how else I could face this very difficult Mother’s Day.

A Waiting Bunny

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Time to Fly….

17 Jun

“She decided to free herself,dance into the wind, create a new language.

And birds fluttered around her, writing ‘YES’ in the sky.

It is here where she must begin to tell her story.”

Bad Days

2 Jun

As I cracked my eyes open and tried to focus them upon the source of the obnoxious noise interrupting my sleep (my early rising two year old) I knew that today was going to be tough. Most days I’m able to persuade myself to emerge from my warm sheets, ready and eager to tackle my day (or the screeching two year old), but today was not meant to be one of those days.

I live with chronic pain and have battle several intense bouts of depression. As a result I often find that my mind is filled with darkness and I wander through my days in a fog. But this is no way to live your life and I continue to make a directed effort to embrace the positive around me. Within the darkness there is still much light that God has given me to share. So I give myself tasks as I stumble to the shower: fold the laundry, answer some e-mails, make another pot of coffee. Somehow, if I am able to cross a few things off my list I suddenly find myself in a better mood and am more motivated to continue getting things done throughout the day. Regardless of pain or emotional distress, life goes on and I don’t want to miss out on it.

But every once in a while, I recognize that I may have done too much in my previous few days of trying to be awesome. Today is one of those days. While I desire to create and clean and play with my babies, the pain has set in too deep and I am forced to acknowledge its presence.

Even though I know that I may not be as productive as I wish I could be, as I pour myself a cup of coffee, allowing the aroma to chase away the fuzzy throbbing in my head and the warmth through the ceramic mug to melt my grouchy demeanor, I am reminded to take a step back and remember what is most important. Dishes may be piled high in the sink and the music from the obnoxious morning cartoons may be too loud but through it all I hear my three month old cooing, attempting to find her voice and exclaim, “Hello world! Notice me!” Its the small things within my day that matter most.

With my plate of toast and fruit in hand I turn and witness my cat pressing her nose against that of my rabbit’s through the bars of his cage and it makes me giggle. Today might be hard to cope with but I know that there will be moments of pure joy to capture and treasure.

So I concede to my pain. I’ll simply spend the morning in my pj’s. I’ll wrap an extra soft blanket around my precious infant and cuddle her and the babbling two year a little bit closer. I’ll sit and wait for the still small voice of the Lord to send me an extra does of comfort and know that tomorrow may be a little bit easier to deal with.

Spring has Finally Sprung!

9 May

As I gaze at the bright fushia tulips sitting on my dining room table, I’m filled with thoughts of hope.

The buds on the trees outside my window begin to grow larger and greener, eventually bursting forth with petals coloured in hues of yellow, pink and white. The scent is heavenly as I take a moment to breathe deeply.

The gentleman who mows the lawn and pulls the weeds in front of our building has returned for another season. The roar of his lawnmower fills the afternoon with sound, adding to the busyness of kids on bikes and birds in their nests.

Thanks to months of overflowing rainclouds, the grass is green and lush. When the clouds finally part, the sky is a vivid blue and full of promise.

That’s what I love most about Spring:the promise of new things and new life.

As someone who absolutely suffers through the grey darkness of Westcoast winters, I revel with joy when I can finally venture outside in just a t-shirt and my socks are long since forgotten, having been traded in for flip-flops and sandals. I find that in the warmth and sweetness of Spring, I begin to truly dream again….

Like tiny chicks tapping and peeping through the cracked shell of their former egg enclosure, my thoughts begin to lighten and aim to seek out daylight, bursting with the suns life giving rays. Hope has returned anew! With the fulfillment of all that Spring has to offer, I feel refreshed and renewed, ready to tackle all that life holds.

Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day

6 May

Because it’s in a fairly visible place, people constantly ask me about my tattoo. While I am a huge fan of tattoos, especially when there are well done pieces of unique art, this remains the only one I currently have.

For a few years I knew what I wanted and why I wanted it. Plain and simple…

Photo by Lesley of http://www.adleystudio.com

For many who know me well I can be fairly high strung at times. But I have a reasonable excuse for being this way. I want to grab life by the throat and squeeze every last drop out of it. I want to do everything and I want to do it NOW!! I find myself looking through the status updates of all my fabulous and talented friends on facebook and wishing that I could check off all the things on my to-do list that they have already accomplished.

Finish a post secondary degree.

Travel beyond the borders of North America.

Build a successful and fulfilling business.

Have a baby.

Have three more babies…..

Reach phenomenal fitness goals.

Discover new trends.

Learn new crafting skills.

Finally learn how to play the guitar that sits in the corner collecting dust…

The list goes on and on. But how could anyone possibly attain all of this while remaining a healthy and sane wife and mother of two with a clean house and still bake everyday?!?!? (Have I mentioned that I love being domesticated?) Clearly, it’s not possible. And yet as a woman I stress myself to the point of insomnia over having not checked all of these milestones off of my life list….and I’m only 27!!

Living in a society that demands that women be everything and do everything on a daily basis is overwhelming and absolutely unrealistic. And yet we, and more obviously I, still try to live up to these expectations.  So it comes down to this….

Live one day at time.

My mother (a very wise woman!) continually tells, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. I find myself repeating these words in my head every now and then to calm the fury that lives in my brain.

Tackle one goal at a time.

In my hurry to live all of my life in a single season I often forget so slow down, release my stress and just live. There are babies to be snuggled, friends to be hugged, coffee to be drank and simple moments to be enjoyed. As I rush through my day attempting to wash the dishes, finish an essay, change some diapers and continually make it out the door on time to the next important thing, I’m forgetting to savour the pleasure of what I do have now. In many people’s eyes I have already accomplished much to be proud of, but I will always be my own biggest critic.

While my tattoo stands for much more than what I have shared here (hello future blog posts!) for today it serves to remind me to slow down and simply live.