Tag Archives: Waiting

Cielo

10 Nov

Alright, so reading back over some of my post from the past year I am a little embarrassed by what I have shared. I know I shouldn’t be because all of those feelings and struggles were/are real and I did, in those moments, need to share what was on my heart and mind.

But holy crap that’s a lot of whining and shitty feelings. That is just not me.

Yes, I feel things very deeply and am often overwhelmed by the negative thoughts in my head. But I have hope and joy and peace and my life is so magical and full. That is who I am. And I am so, so blessed with people in my life who remind me of that when I fall a little too hard.

If I have cornered you in a conversation for longer than five minutes, I hopefully have shared with you my love for my church family. They are the coolest people on the face of the earth and I would be lost without them. I am exceedingly grateful that God has led me to them and allows me to do life with them.

My Ladies

I gave up on religion a long time ago. I have absolutely no time in my life for legalism and judgment and appearances. The faith that I have found and share with the world is based on one thing and one thing only.

God Is

Love and relationships built out of love are all I desire and all that I hope to give away.

I do not want to argue doctrine or draw lines between denominations based on who is right and who is wrong. I just want to understand where you are coming from and meet you there. I want to love you for who you are and not who I think you should be. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for in this life? Love and acceptance.

And I’m not perfect. I fail ALL THE TIME. I judge without realizing it. I make assumptions based on my understanding of things instead of finding out someone else’s perspectives. I get righteously angry and my passion goes before my reason. But if I can find my way back to God and His love for me, confess anything that is not based out of love in my heart and make an effort to do better the next day, isn’t that the best that any of us can do?

Thankfully I have been welcomed into a group of people who feel the same way. We are a small and rag-tag bunch who will simply love the crap out of you. We are casual to a fault and base our weekly meetings on coffee, bagels and worship. We all share what God has been doing in our lives. We celebrate. We comfort. We mourn. We do life. We realize that God has an individual plan for each of us and we support each other as we pursue these callings. Everything else tends to fall to the side and I like it that way.

So with this in mind, these people rescued me from myself this week.

Without a doubt, this week was the hardest I have endured to date with our adoption. Expectations and timelines have been shattered and I was utterly broken. I cried more than I have ever cried over this process. I spent an entire day in bed. But it was all worth it.

Even in my despair and my brokenness, I knew that there was hope and that God was at work. He had so much for me on the other side of that meltdown. I was able to let go of everything that I had been holding on to with regards to how I thought our adoption should play out and I am truly and honestly ready to just wait on Him and His plan. I still had to drag my butt out of bed this morning and force myself to church (because I love sleep and my bed….) but I’m so glad that I did.

I was able to sit in the stillness of God’s presence and turn my focus and attention to Him. As I did so, everything else melted away. In light of who He is and how much He loves me, everything else is not so heavy in my heart.

In all of my frustration and resentment, it is not God that I am angry with. It is the world. It is this.

Orphans

Pure, unstained religion, according to God our Father, is to take care of orphans and widows when they suffer and to remain uncorrupted by this world” James 1:27

I am not okay with being corrupted by a world of apathy and complacency. I was reminded by one of my dearest friends today that the Lord has placed within me a righteous and burning anger towards injustice in this world. Yes, it is heavy and exhausting, but I am honoured that God thinks I am strong enough to take on such a fight.

I know that I cannot fight the battle for an entire population of orphans, but I can champion the cause of one nation. And I can be the Mama to one tiny soul. That one soul means more to me than I can put into words.

God is good and His heart hurts more than mine ever could for those without a family and He is angered by injustice too. But all I can do is focus on His love for me and my family and the one orphan who we can help.

And thanks to CityLight Church, today I am able to stand a little taller and love a little deeper because of their love and belief in me.

I have many, many friends outside of this church who also cheer me on and I would likewise be lost without you. Thank you for enduring my whining and complaining throughout this journey. I promise to return the favour when your heart and desires become too heavy.

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When Mother’s Day is Difficult

11 May

Coffee, breakfast in bed, cards, flowers, brunch with Grandmothers, extra cuddles and “I Love You’s”. Everything that a day designed to celebrate being a Mother or having a Mother should be. But why does it hurt so much this year?

I have a few theories.

Over the last few years, we have had many families close to us experience the unimaginable loss of a child. Whether through an accident or illness, we seem to be unable to go very long without hearing of another Mother having to say goodbye to her beautiful child. I do not and will not ever understand how someone is able to withstand such a heartbreaking situation.

Thankfully, many of the women (and men) that I have watched walk through this devastation have done so with a tremendous amount of love, inspiration and hope. This is not to say that the emotions they feel are not overwhelming, heavy and very real; however they have graciously shared their journey and daily realities with those around them and they have leaned on the ever present shoulder of a loving God. I am continually amazed by the strength with which these parents draw from to face a world that is forever missing an important piece. I do not share these things to be heavy and depressing, but rather to honour these wonderful people in my life who have shown me what true love and pure hope looks like. My life is forever changed as a daughter and as a Mother because of these people and their journeys. I love a little harder, laugh a little longer and cry a little more openly just for them. Mother’s Day is different for me now in the light of their stories.

Likewise, it was a year ago that I stood in front of our church congregation and joyfully exclaimed that J-Sauce and I would be travelling to Africa for the first time. Because of the newly developing protocol in the country we are involved with, it was necessary for us to make that trip with the hope of being able to see things move along with our adoption. And while it was a gift in our adoption story and we were both forever changed by it…… It was a year ago. Another year has come and gone. We still have no news on our child. How is this possible?

Mama and Babe

I could take the time to speak of hope and trust and belief in The Lord’s timing (which I still firmly hold on to) but my heart just isn’t in it today. It physically hurts my heart to hope at this time.

But that’s okay because I know that this journey is not finished yet and there is work yet to be done in my own life before this child will join us and will call me Mommy.

As I ponder that day, sometimes hourly or even minute by minute, I am reminded of another very important reality involved in this story. And I feel horrifically selfish.

I am not the only Mother in this story. There is another. She will carry this child within her womb. She will hope and dream and worry about the hows and the whys and the whos for her child as it grows and moves within her belly. She might pray and beg The Lord for guidance. She is likely alone, scared, angry or disgusted by her situation. She maybe my age or she may only be child herself. Whatever the details of her life may be, there is one thing for certain: she will make a very difficult decision and her precious baby will one day become mine.

We will probably never know this Mother, but even now I am eternally tied to her. I may never be able to thank her for the beautiful gift that I will be given, but I will love her all the same.

Today is Mother’s Day and I am unable to put into actual English words the love that I have for my precious, sparkling and unique girls. This is a daily existence for me. I am forever thankful that I have been chosen to be their Mother for as long as God will allow me. But my heart and soul is torn. It is torn for Mother’s who will not be able to hold their children today. It is torn for the women who make the selfless decision to allow someone else to raise their treasures. It is torn for the women who long to become Mother’s and yet continue to be unable to do so. I have no answers for these feelings and that is alright. I think they are important feelings to have and to explore, however uncomfortable they are.

All I can do today, as my heart has moments of sadness, is to hang onto the promises of God and to trust in His good and perfect will. If I did not have that hope, I don’t know how else I could face this very difficult Mother’s Day.

A Waiting Bunny

The Wait

31 Oct

I feel like my life is on hold.

I feel like time is moving too fast and standing still, all at the same time.

I feel like I have never been busier in my life and yet it seems like I am doing nothing of value in that busyness.

We drive to preschool, to dance, to work, to the grocery store and home again. The feeling is always there. It never leaves my mind, my heart, my soul.

Beach Bums

I have thrown myself into projects connected to my friends and the beautiful country so far away and still so close to my heart. These things bring me great joy and we are excited for the opportunities ahead, but this does not silence the aching.

I exercise. I eat. I have a glass of wine. I play with my girls. I pray. I talk to others about my feelings. I go out and live my life.

Color Me Rad 2013

Nothing helps.

I continue to research, preparing myself for what might be.

A Little Light Reading

I set new goals and work towards them, but honestly, only halfheartedly a this point.

I did it.....

My heart longs to return to Africa. I long to meet this precious child. To hold her in my arms. To tell her how much I love her. To call her my own.

I could barely type that sentence because it is painful and terrifying to admit to these feelings and to have them live outside of my body.

When we set out on this adoption journey Cupcake was only 5 months old. We knew that we wanted more children and The Lord had spoken to us very clearly about adoption. We also knew that this process was not going to lead us to a child over night. We had heard stories of people waiting for years to see an adoption completed. We were aware of what might lay ahead of us.

But I lied to myself. “We will be different. Ours won’t take as long. We are special”. I may not have voiced those feelings, but I am an eternal optimist and desperately wanted to believe that God would work this miracle according to my schedule. I honestly believed at the beginning of this year that 2013 would be the year of the baby! I was sure that by now we would be home with our three girls, planning for a holiday season full of new joy and love. But this no longer seems possible. Of course God does not bend to the will of humanity and I know this, but the waiting…..

It is hard. It feels like it will never end.

But, the sun comes up everyday and sets every night. I get up and make it through each day. I find joy in the little things and rejoice in the miracles found in other people’s lives. And I wait.

I wait for a breakthrough. I wait for a phone call, an email, anything. I wait for a miracle.

At this point, I covet your prayers. Please pray with us for this miracle. I don’t know what else to do except to pray.

Many well meaning people ask us if there is any news and this question breaks my heart. I wish that there were news. I wish that we could shout it from the rooftops. I wish that we were boarding a plane tomorrow to meet our precious babe. But there is not and we are not. We continue to wait.

As much as this post was necessary for me to write to update you on our story and to vent my emotions, it is a bit of a downer, yes? I know that there is hope. I know that there is a promise for our family. I know that there is an end to the waiting. This will happen and The Lord knows when. Until then, I wait.

Life has a way....

Annnnd DONE!!

1 Mar

We’ve shared with you about recent exciting phone calls and important meetings and all the hurried craziness surrounding our adoption dossier. But as of today, that craziness is behind us. We are done. We are finished. Everything is completed!

We finished assembling all of the required documents for our dossier a few weeks ago. While we did have a few hiccups and a few things to rearrange, everything has been handed in to our adoption agency. Everything is now out of our hands.

However, in the tradition of exciting news, I did receive another important phone call today. The director of the Africa program at our agency called me with this message….

Your dossier has arrived in Harare and it is in the right hands!

It is now official, everything really is out of our hands and it now rest in the hands of a few very hardworking, passionate and dedicated individuals in Zimbabwe. It was a concern for us that our paperwork would make it to the right people and to insure that it did, our dossier went on a special trip via courier straight to the people who would treat it with the loving care it deserves.

The fate of our child and our growing family is now in the hands of thousands of miles away…. under the loving care and guidance of the Lord. We have known and trusted from the very beginning that God would guide our family to a special child who would truly be ours and we continue to cling to this hope. He knows what He is doing and our hearts find peace in that knowledge.

So please continue to pray with us as now begins the hardest part of all….. The Wait.

We have no idea or timeline to know or estimate how long it will be until we receive a proposal for a child. It could be months, it could be years. That is a terrifying concept, but again, we trust in the Lord’s plan. Each day we will wait on Him and His grace for the endurance to finish out this journey and to bring our precious baby home.

And in the mean time, we have some beautiful little girls who need and deserve our utmost time and devotion and we will continue to treasure each day with them. Being a parent is the greatest job we have ever been fortunate enough to have and we want to be rock stars at it….. Ok, some days we just want to pee in peace. But beyond that, rock stars.

Jeremiah 29:11